When something awful happens once, it's bad luck, fate, whatever, but not necessarily your fault.

When it keeps happening, the place to look for the problem is within. This isn't the first time I've lovingly built something only to have it wrenched away from me. Inevitably, the People In Charge (or the people I serve) don't value or appreciate my hard work and dedication, and one way or another it's back on the trash heap for me.

I can't, in honesty, blame anyone else for these things. The problem is clearly me, and so deeply ingrained in my character that it's just going to keep happening. Worse, it's also pretty clear that I'm not going to be able to fix whatever it is in me that keeps setting me up for the fall. Even if I did have access to mental health services, I don't see what good it can do. These are patterns of nearly 50 years of life, and they're pretty well set in stone by now.

And I don't think I can take it any more. I just can't.