Falling Down

I stood at the head of the stairs this morning, hands full and cats dancing ahead in anticipation of breakfast, and I thought "It would be so much easier to just be dead." Then, of course, I thought about poor Jason having to sort out my mess and my will not updated yet, and the moment passed. But that's how it is - I think I'm coping and one day I realize that I've been trudging down a great huge slope, and here I am in the Pit again. I'm so tired of climbing back out of it. I just want to lie down till this trivial and pointless exercise masquerading as my life is over. Maybe I'll do better next time. Maybe I won't, but I sure can't do much worse than I have this go 'round.

Intellectually I know that a solution to "I have done nothing noteworthy with my life" is to get off my fat behind and do something noteworthy. Emotionally, I don't see how I can.

There's a job fair next week and as I put together an updated resume and references, I can't help but realize that there isn't a single permanent employer I can use as a reference. My own ex wouldn't hire me back, I quit my last permanent job before they worked up to firing me, and the employers from back when I appeared competent have all moved on. Or died. No matter how highly regarded I might be by my very forgiving friends, they can't give me employment references. Worse, I don't know that I want a job that requires more of me than showing up and doing simple tasks -- I don't feel up to anything that might have a significant impact on anyone else's life. There's just too much chance I'll mess it up.

I am so very, very weary... and I have to prep two Living Force scenarios to run for the club tomorrow (despite having sworn I would not run LF any more), so I can't even indulge in an evening-long vegetation in front of the TV. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Or maybe I won't.