Stormy Weather

I went to bed early (10:30ish) last night, and woke about midnight to a tremedous crack of thunder. I was almost surprised not to find a nearby tree down across our carports in the morning... Being me, of course, when the condo didn't seem to be on fire and the power was still on, I went right back to sleep and actually got something resembling a decent amount of sleep.

I'm hoping it will help, because I don't know what else to do... Sleep - Jae's master cure for everything.

Yesterday I had a panic attack at work. It's not the first time I've been in such a state, but it is the first time I recognized it as such while it was happening. My anxiety and anger levels redlined, and my thoughts were slamming around in my head like a bird in a glass box. I was intensely afraid and deeply sad; and I knew, rationally, that there was no reason for it. I checked my BG, which was fine. (105 -- I seem to have worked my way back into fairly tight control, so that's at least something good.) I went off to the break room and spent 10 minutes taking deep breaths and trying to calm down. Nothing helped. I had an intense certainty that my nominal supervisor was bustin' on me, and that any second I was going to lose control and scream or cry or throw something. It was horrific.

I did none of these things (small triumph) but wasn't very darned functional either. The feelings lasted through most of the evening, sequeing into profound depression. After a reasonable night's sleep I feel like I've got hold of the reins again, but all the symptoms are still there -- just muted.

I don't feel like I've dealt with it or solved it; it's just under the surface, waiting to ambush me when I'm least able to manage it. I'd like to have a good long, wracking cry and get all of this out of my system, but so far, no go, though I burst into tears at anything remotely sad on TV.

This is no way to live...