The Squirrel Vendetta

I have no idea what I've done to the squirrels of the world to have them single me out so... perhaps it's my habit of referring to them as rats with fluffy tails and good PR.

The tale begins a couple of years ago. I work above the MSU Dairy Store, and when the weather is anything but foul, there are always kids around, scarfing down ice cream with looks of bliss on their little faces. Grownups too - the ice cream is very good.

I stopped in for ice cream on a day when I was off work, and as I walked up I noticed a squirrel taking bits of cone from the kids' hands. "Odd behavior for a squirrel" I thought, even the aggressive squirrels we have on campus.

Fascinated (and half-expecting disaster at any moment), I stepped half-off the sidewalk and went crashing to the ground, banging my bad knees and skinning huge bloody streaks on my forearms. As I lay whimpering on the ground (to the very sincere concern of onlookers) the squirrel left off its panhandling and came over to check me out.

The woman trying to help me remarked "Why, he must be worried, he's trying to pat your back!"

I eventually managed to get to my feet, go up to my office to get bandaged and even get my ice cream. When I related the tale to my friends, they concluded that the squirrel's behavior could mean only one thing.

He was a hit squirrel, and was checking to see if he'd completed the job.

He was probably only prevented from leaping on me and tearing my throat out by all of the people gathered around. It wouldn't do to blow his cover, after all.

Fast forward to last Friday. This time I was walking out of the building after work. Suddenly, for no discernible reason, I tripped and face-planted on the concrete.

This time there was less injury (other than technicolor forearms and boobs) because I realized I wasn't going to be able to avoid falling and did my best to minimize the severity of the damage.

I didn't see a squirrel ... but my friends are convinced that since the hit squirrel failed, the Squirrel Cabal is now sending ninjas.

I fear what they'll send now that the ninja has failed. Pirate crows?